Behavior vs. Intention or The Most Bullsh*t Argument I Have Ever Heard

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I HAVE to know.  For my own sanity and so I can move on with my life I have to know what my ex-husband “is.”  What team does he play on?  Does he really love me? Did he ever?

Is he:

A.“Gay” but tried to suppress it by marrying me although really did “love” me?


B.  Bisexual and started out straight with some gay tendencies and then gradually became more same-sex orientated after our failed attempts at having a family?

In the beginning, year two and five of our marriage when there were first signs, he said choice B.  He said that he loved me, was attracted to me, enjoyed me sexually but did have some homosexual tendencies that he expressed exclusively (he SAID) in gay porn.  He said it was a self-destructive and would stop.

The last year of marriage when we rarely had sex and when we did it was often mutually disappointing he said that he was bisexual and was just “nervous” about the probable failure to conceive.

After we divorced and we both started seeing other people he admitted that he knew he was sexually attracted to men in the eleventh grade, but he could only “fall in love” emotionally and intellectually with women but wanted to have sex with men.  His behavior was straight and he thought that was enough to “save” him from a gay lifestyle and save our marriage.


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 Well, at least he admitted it.  But it really makes me wonder where I stand.  I hate to be selfish, but it begs the question, what does my husband’s homosexuality have to do with me?

That is when he gets into his behavior vs. intention bullshit.

He was that his behavior was straight.  I was the only girl he “ever loved.”  Great.  You know, from a gay guy, this is not the big compliment you would think.  He did not go into his “intention” or at least I did not allow him. I could not bear the thought that the only way he could “respond” to me in bed was thinking about a guy’s hairy ass.  I am about as feminine as they come.  Yes, I am a “big girl” but I also have a very curvy shape, long hair, nice face, and just as cute as I can be.  I don’t say that to flatter myself, I just want to establish that I am not “mannish” nor the typical sad unattractive sad “fag hag”.  I was a beard in “behavior” not in intention.

Kinsey Scale:

The scale is as follows:




Exclusively heterosexual


Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual


Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual


Equally heterosexual and homosexual.


Predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual


Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual


Exclusively homosexual


Asexual, Non-Sexual


I believe in behavior and intention is a 1 on the Kinsey scale.  I love men.  I fall in love them and I am sexually attracted to them.  I have strong friendships with women and I have had an incident or two of experimentation with women, but I am straight.

My ex-husband… I don’t know.  I don’t think he even knows yet.  Of course there is the behavior vs. intention crap he talks about.  In his defense, it is “easier” socially to behave in a heterosexual manner.  Society expects a man to marry a woman, have children, a nice job, a house with the picket fence and all that.  But how difficult is it to fulfill society’s expectations if a person has to fight their nature all the time?

And if you were a woman, if you were me, would you want the man you love to “fight his nature” all the time just to make you happy?  Would you want to keep that nice house in the suburbs with the picket fence with no children and little hope for children if you have to worry if he is thinking of someone else every time he touches you, if he touches you?  Would you want to worry not if but when he stops fighting his nature and cheats on you with another man?  Would you want to walk around wondering if everyone else knows what you have known in your heart for years, that your husband loves you, but not really, not enough, not like other men would.  Could you hide behind the behavior vs. intention argument when his behavior is to be with you, but what his heart intends is something you can never give him?

The heart wants what the heart wants.

I gave up a very comfortable lifestyle with my successful husband.  My life is harder now without a partner and I have really had to struggle professionally and financially to get even close to the lifestyle I had in the latter years of our marriage.  More importantly, I fear I have lost the love of my life.  We clicked on so many levels, yet I remember all the times he lied to me, his selfish behavior, all the covering up at my expense so he would not have to face who he really was, even though it was entirely understandable.  But we both have to live authentic lives.  I miss the shopping at Crate and Barrel and our fancy brunches with suspiciously high male to female ratio, but it is worth it.  I miss him like crazy.  I miss our life, although I feel more secure in the life I created for myself than the life where I felt I was only a guest.

E tu Eggs Benedict?

To live an authentic life, behavior and intention must be one in the same.  I will leave my comfortable life, and even the love of the first part of my life to seek that match.

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